Instructions

Right. As my English teacher was fond of saying, let's get started.

Instructions on using this or, indeed, many other websites. Use the navigation column on the left hand side of your screen to zoom through the site, pulling into your browser my (limited) words of wisdom. There is nothing here of a shocking or pornographic nature, unless you have a particularly low impression of my literacy levels, or lack thereof. This cannot be said for other web sites. They may, and in my extensive experience do, show pictures and contain literature to which even the most liberal interpretation of 'pornographic' may be applied, but here, in this corner of the inter-web, you can relax safe in the knowledge that there is nothing more threatening than some very mild expletives.

You may have to suspend your belief in some of the more awkward laws of physics, but in a world that supports a plethora of religions, supernatural beings and the Conservative party, this shouldn't be asking too much

I Read

I read a lot. A couple of books a week is not out of the ordinary, along with papers, websites, the back of cereal packets and the endless stream of takeaway leaflets that flow like a river through our letterbox. As a big reader, I thought it was time to have a pop myself, so I sat bathed in the glow from my laptop screen and waited for inspiration to hit. A short time later I wondered off down the pub, having committed exactly nothing to the hard drive (I deleted my browser history. Better safe than sorry.) A period of time later, synapses suitable lubricated, I wrote down all the ideas for a novel that came into my head. I then crawled into my pit and slept the sleep of the pissed.

The next morning I crept down stairs feeling like a kid at Christmas, bursting with excitement at the thought of what Santa or, in this case, Weston's Scrumpy had brought me. I was disappointed. After I deleted the unsuitable ('Chick lit for Men!'), the impossible ('A kid's book that appeals to adults') and the downright weird ('an autobiographical novel about the life you didn't have.') I was out of ideas, so I settled for what felt comfortable - funny stuff in the future. The rest, as they say, is rejection letters.

Still here?

Ten out of ten for perseverance if you're still on the front page at this point, you are showing the kind of skills that make you an idea candidate to read my novels/short stories/rambling, stream of consciousness web pages. I salute you, but it really is time to move on. Try the navigation bar, it won't let you down

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